Cabin Fever is Striking in Strange Ways

This is an email I wrote to my dad in response an email about how much the Lakers destroyed the Cavs last night. I include it here because...well pretty much I'd just like to put more things up here. Plus it kinda talks a little about how my day went (which I've been told is usually the point of a blog.) We were snowed in from work today and I was cabin fevering. Here goes:


[Scott,]

Did you see what the Lakers did to the Cavs last night in LA?...

[Dad]


[Dad,]

Yeah pretty crazy. Not sure what it means other than the Cavs are really really bad.

My phone is having troubles charging; it seems to have put itself in some sort of weird 'offline' mode which I, as interpreted from forums online, think can happen because it has been out of the range of service for a certain nonzero amount of time. I am not sure what to do, where/if/when I can take it to get it fixed. I assume the battery "life" will soon become a sort of sad, indefinitely unchangeable lifelessness and the phone will convert from being most-of-the-time useless, because of my current middle-of-nowhereness, to an all-of-the-time paperweight with a high-definition screen permanently displaying a black nothingness (which I admit is not wholly true--the presence of the nothingness--because when I happen to stare at the dark space in question, the reflective nature of the screen somewhat displays a feint image of a twenty something year old with a sad face--most likely caused by the current status of the device.) I can try to skype!

We had the day off work today because our cabin sits in the middle of a valley and snow enjoys accumulating in the valley in depths too large for the gravelly roads ('gravely' could probably be fit in somewhere in this sentence--with a small amount of rewording--as well, which would be a neat "look what I can do with English" moment) to handle large vanbeasts driven by (gravely?) inexperienced early twenty-somethings (to our graves?). Work yesterday was tough, but fulfilling: we drove stakes and put sticks into the ground (not to be confused with the task of an Outback delivery man who enjoys blasting "Come Sail Away" or "Mr Roboto" through his car stereo system--which would be "driving steaks and putting Styx into the air".) Cabin fever is striking in strange ways. But I like this.

[Scott]

Cheating on the Real World

I haven’t done this in a while. So this may be a doozy.

That doesn’t make sense.

Because this is a non-time-sensitive, written entry, I have all the chance in the world to change that statement to fit the final status of the post. (Also if we are implying that doozy means lengthy in this context [which it really doesn’t/shouldn’t in any context because: doozy-n. something that is extraordinary. Often used in the context of troublesome, difficult or problematic, but can be used positively as well] then there will be no reason for me to change the statement if, in fact, I reach a point at which I write so much that I don’t feel the need to proofread/correct such incorrect statements. In theory, the only time the statement would necessitate any correction is if this entry does not turn out to be a “doozy.” However, given the current ramblings, that seems to be quite an impossible potential outcome.)

Thank you for your time.

I’m in Washington for two months! I have not made an entry since November 13 of an entire year ago. It would be easy to say something like “I’ve been so busy and now I finally have the time to write an entry.” But it wouldn’t be true. I’ve had time. Ignoring the free time that I had while I have been on the west coast, I had a whole two week break in Virginia where, although I did devote a decent amount of my time to family/friends, I could have spent a few hours writing rather than whatever else I did. Honestly, I’ve sat down to write a few times, but I’ve been distracted by the opportunity to play poker and try to turn free time into money which can be exchanged for more free time. Now I’ll admit the basic fact that answers the whole “why am I writing now instead of poker?” Washington is the only state that makes it illegal (class three felony) to play poker online (I am sorry Mike Hnatowski). I’m in Washington for two months!

All cynicism and rambling aside (just needed to get in a good unfocused rant in before I began) I am genuinely having a good time in this program. I am grateful for having been given the opportunity to find myself in such a place at this awkward get-a-job-or-go-to-grad-school point in my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m kind of cheating on the real world and then I think “this is my real world” then I think “what the hell is the real world” then I think about MTV then I think “why don’t they play music videos anymore” then I think “Alex, Steve, and I came up with an awesome idea for a song parody/music video in the van ride up here” then I realize I don’t want to care about phrases like “grown up” or “real world.” I’m being. And I’m fine with that. La la la. [More Peter-Pan-idealist stuff here.]

I shouldn’t write when I’m tired.

I am going to be in North Bend, Washington until almost the end of February. I am staying in a homey lodge with 21 other members of AmeriCorps (my team and one other). It has a very summer-(winter)-camp-log-cabin feel to it and I am enjoying my time so far. Crossing the Washington/Oregon border was a surreal experience-almost as if the map drawers of the United States scribbled a squarish shape around the rainiest place in the country and named it after the first President. The weather immediately turned from sunny, beautiful skies to gray-overcast, cold-rainy blah as we finished the Oregon Trail (no one died of dysentery…har-har). Our project is an “environmental” one with the Mountains to Sound Greenway which means we will be doing a variety of different tasks ranging from trail building and repair to invasive species removal and, um, “vasive” species planting. I am welcoming the challenge of a labor-intensive, weather-unfriendly project, as the idea of doing something like this is light years away from what I imagined I would be doing even a year ago today. I like that.

North Bend is 29.5 miles east of Seattle; however, due to our “you can only take the van 25 miles outside of the housing” rule, we will have to find creative ways to get a little escape from the wild. We have hopes of renting a car and perhaps traveling to Vancouver one weekend and since I’ve never been outside the confines of the contiguous* 48 states, well I’m not sure where I’m going with this (it could be awesome?).

Anyways. Read the side note. Kinda got out of hand. I am trying my best to keep each of these posts no more than 2000 words and I’m right around that now. (Doozy). I have so much to say about things and things and things and will have tons of non-poker time to write now. Last “thing”—find something by David Foster Wallace and read it. I recommend something from Consider the Lobster. This is a link to one of my favorite essays by him: http://instruct.westvalley.edu/lafave/DFW_present_tense.html. It speaks about a “Usage Wars” or a war between dictionary writers. This sounds incredibly boring. It is worth your time though. It is entertaining and informative and discusses so much about words and language. For example: “The sorts of people who feel that special blend of wincing despair and sneering superiority when they see EXPRESS LANE — 10 ITEMS OR LESS or hear dialogue used as a verb or realize that the founders of the Super 8 motel chain must surely have been ignorant of the meaning of suppurate.”

Read, write, smile, forgive, workout, eat healthy, don’t sleep too much, don’t take yourself too seriously.

Smile smile smile.

This is so much fun.

Goodnight all.

*Embarrassing side note: I learned the word ‘contiguous’ during the 5^th grade Geography Bee. During. It would have helped to have knowledge of the definition of the word prior to entering the prestigious competition; however, when faced with the question “How many states are in the contiguous United States?” I was left to fall back upon my incomplete vocabulary. It wasn’t a stand-at-the-microphone-sweating-all-alone question however. It was a sit-at-your-seat-as-all-the-competitors-answer-simultaneously-by-writing-on-a-sheet-of-paper-and-putting-it-in-an-envelope question. I didn’t know what ‘contiguous’ was so, naturally, I tried to cheat. (naturally?)

(Also, the thought crossed my mind that this question was perhaps not even appropriate for the Geography Bee and, rather it should be a question in the not-yet-created Definition Bee because, well, if you asked me how many states were connected or how many states were not Hawaii and Alaska, I would have been the first one to stamp “48” on my paper and shove it into the envelope before letting any of the other deceitful, potential cheaters steal a glance at the 100% absolutely, positively correct answer.)

Seconds after the question was relayed I felt as if I was stripped of all my worldly possessions and the only thing that remained was a spectrum of differing degrees of lonely feelings creating blank stares and causing beads of sweat to scamper vertically from my temples to my chin and dive-bomb onto the empty sheet and unfilled envelope on my desk. I had to do something. I was sitting next to one of my best friends, and the corner of my eye prompted my brain that he had indeed begun writing in a cool-calm-confident manner. “Oh, he knows the answer,” my brain said to my peripheral. “Ok, I’m going in sir!” Periph responded. “Best friend to my right” had written the number ‘4’ in takes-up-the-whole-page font. Periph relayed the message and Brain and Hand worked together to complete the immoral act by scribbling ‘4’ on the sweat-laden paper and deftly filling the envelope. Excellent. I did a quick was-anyone-looking-at-me glance and collected myself by wiping the last few shameful droplets from my forehead and putting my hands at my sides. I was one step closer to winning the Geography Bee (or at least I was step in the same direction as “best friend to my right” who happened to be the second smartest person in the Geography Bee and my only competition…come on, I just didn’t know the word ‘contiguous’.)

Moments later, the monitor announced it was time to reveal our answers. We did not do an all-at-once reveal, but rather we started on one side and snaked down the line, each fifth grader tearing open their envelope in a different way and holding their paper up so the world could see. There were about ten of us and I was all the way at the end of the line. The first kid ripped a massive, diagonal tear in the envelope and swiftly whipped out his paper with the number ‘50’ printed neatly in two inch lettering across the middle of his page.

“Idiot,” I thought.

“No, sorry. The answer is not ‘50’,” announced the monitor.

Next to go was this girl I had had a crush on since the second grade. She was rather intelligent, but I was willing to completely alter my opinion on that matter (and perhaps remove the crush) if she also held up an answer as ridiculous as the diagonal tearing kid. She neatly lifted her envelope’s flap and pulled her paper out to reveal the number ‘48’ written in bubbly letters.

“Sigh, whatever, she’s still cute.”

“Correct! The contiguous states are the 48 states that make up the mainland of the United States. Alaska and Hawaii are the only two not included in the contiguous US.”

“WHAT? Oh my gosh. What was ‘best-friend-to-my-right’ thinking! How could he do this to me…MEE? Now we both have the same absurdly low number and everyone will suspect that one of us cheated. I can’t go to the principal’s office. What can I do? Can I somehow add an ‘8’ to my paper? No way. Too many people watching and the paper is the envelope. Thinkthinkthink.” Sweat began to pour off my face. “Why did I cheat? This is going to look so, so dumb. What will my parents say?”

One by one, the students tore open their envelopes and revealed their answers.

“Great--everyone had answered either ‘48’ or ‘50’. ‘50’ didn’t look so dumb anymore. ‘4’ was going to look so stupid. So stupid.” Finally, it was best-friend-to-the-right’s turn. He was still so darn confident.

“Wait. Perhaps…no…was there room on that paper for him to have fit an ‘8’ next to the ‘4’. That must be it! No, no. How do I feel about that? Now I look like more of an idiot and less of a cheater. Oh no, maybe they’ll still think I cheated. But they’ll know I’m just bad at it. Is being a bad cheater good? I’m honestly a good kid. What have I gotten myself into? Why me? Why did everyone else have ‘48’ or ‘50’ and I was left with this lonely situation. And I’m last. How will everyone react? I bet the monitor will even chuckle. I’m funny? Yeah that’s it; I’m making them laugh. Haha. I didn’t know the answer so I just wrote something ridiculous on purpose to lighten the mood a little. They do it on Jeopardy all the time. I’m going to be so popular after this. Maybe she’ll think I’m funny. This could not have worked out better.”

“Scott?”

“Oh, my turn. I guess ‘b-f-t-t-r’ had already answered and he looked pleased so he must have been able to fit the ‘8’ next to the ‘4’. Sigh. Here goes nothing!”

I realized that in my flustered hurry, I had accidentally slid the ‘scarlet lettered’ paper underneath the envelope rather than fitting it inside. “I’m…so…dumb. No, funny. I’m funny. This whole thing is intentionally funny—all the creation of yours truly. Maybe she’ll notice. Maybe she’ll notice.”

I smiled and pull the paper out from underneath the unused envelope.

“Oops,” I blurted, acknowledging the dubious fact of where my paper was placed. With a strange combination of rebellious confidence and maybe-they’ll-still-think-I-cheated fear, I turned the paper over and revealed the lonely ‘4’ so dumbly plastered on the page.

“Ok,” stated the monitor, “Seat 2, seat 5, seat 6, and seat 9 all get a point. The next question is…”

“Next question??? No reaction? No one laughed? No one sighed? This was supposed to be hilarious. She was supposed to notice. Ugh. This sucks.” And there I sat--upset, slightly embarrassed, and mostly confused. Neither “best-friend-to-my-right” nor I ended up winning the competition. But at least now I knew what the word ‘contiguous’ means. (Big deal.) Years later, I realized that ‘contiguous’ wasn’t the point. I had been given an invaluable crash course on cheating, humility, comedic timing, and how much people sometimes just don’t get it. I always get it. Ha.

Get Over Yourself

I overheard a conversation once in which one teenager explained to another that heaven and hell were two identical places.

About a week ago, I was standing in line at an uppity sandwich shop (“Shoppe” probably) at lunchtime. There were ten or so people in front of me and as I waited to order my nine-dollar meal, a man came up to stand behind me in line. He was a five-foot-ten, white, middle-aged, (male), in a dress shirt and nice pants. He wore expensive shoes, had corrective lenses, combed hair, and looked healthy (medically). As he approached, I turned to do the cheesy, canned, “smile-nod” to acknowledge his existence on Earth and in line behind me. He looked at me and exclaims, “Man, what’s with this long line; I need to eat.”

The analogy used (in the story I overheard somewhere in the range of six to seven years ago) was that heaven and hell each is set-up in a way similar to people sitting around a bowl of soup with long spoons. The spoons are, say, six-feet-long, and for completeness sake can only be grabbed at the end that is six feet from “bowl of the spoon” (what’s the word for the part of the spoon from which you eat?). In hell, the people each grab their own spoons and attempt to eat from the bowl of soup by dipping in the bowl and serving themselves. They find it very difficult (maybe impossible) to eat in this way because the spoons are much longer than their arms and this makes them unable to turn the spoons around to feed themselves.

Recently, I was working in the clothing department of the local food bank. The clothing program is a completely free service targeted toward the working poor of the area. People come in, are given a basket, and allowed to “shop” (not “Shoppe”) to pick out clothes they need. A limit of fifteen to twenty items is mentioned at the door and the people are told they have fifteen minutes to get what they want. Oftentimes people go over one or both of the limits. (At one point a lady dragged at least eighty items up to the counter and went back for more.) In any case, because of the nature of the people working and being helped, the limits are practically unenforceable and there are (thankfully) so many clothing donations at that food bank that they aren’t overly necessary limits. Most people come somewhat close to following the rules, and the operation works. After I had been there for a few hours a man came in, alone, looking for a sleeping bag. At the door, the clients are required to relay to a man at the front a small amount of information in order for the food bank to keep a loose track of how often the same people are coming in and where in the city the clothes are going. The man’s address was scribbled down as “Homeless.” He explained to the “relayee” that all he was looking for were some clothes to keep warm and possibly a better sleeping bag. Unfortunately sleeping bags are one of the quickest items to go and we rarely get them donated, so we didn’t have one to give to him. He sighed, wandered around, picked a few clothes out, checked out, and left.

Sorry.

That’s not what happened.

He would have had every right to do just that though. It was a cool, fall day and I imagine he had been suffering through the cold nights for quite a while. I don’t mean to assume. All I knew about the guy was that he couldn’t fill out the line on the sheet that said “Address:”. Now that I live a few thousand miles away from my home, I sometimes struggle with that line too, but only because I can’t decide which of my two places of residence to put on whatever form I’m filling out (or sometimes I forget the mailing address for my California address). I’ve had the same problem for the past five years in college since I lived in Norfolk and my “home” was in Hampton. (Err...permanent mailing address or whatever). It’s annoying. I hate having to fill that line out cause it’s annoying to try to figure out for which of my two air conditioned, heated houses the form is asking.

It’s annoying.

Anyways. That’s all I knew about the guy. He was homeless that day.

Now what really happened was that he came in looking for a sleeping bag. (I didn’t lie about that.) Well, “came in” should be “danced in.” We play music in the clothing department and when he walked up to the counter he was already dancing and signing along. He was instantly gracious for our program. He was more cheerful than any of the workers. And he most likely spent his nighttime on a bench in a park or a sidewalk or…I’m assuming again (I’ll stop). The news that we didn’t have a sleeping bag for him wasn’t followed by a sigh. He immediately said “Oh no, that’s fine. I have one, but it’s just getting a little old.” He then started shopping. I watched him shop. He quickly walked around still singing to the music. He went over to the sweater rack and picked out two, then went to look at some sweat pants. After genuinely entertaining conversation with employees and other clients, he came up to the counter where I stood. He only had two sweaters. (The process is that now I get the card from the original man up at the front. That’s when I found out he was homeless.) Just to start conversation or whatever, I said the cliché statement “Did you find everything you were looking for?” (Oops, I knew he was looking for a sleeping bag and we didn’t have any.) He didn’t mention the sleeping bag. He said, “Oh, well there was a pair of sweatpants that I was looking at, but I know you guys are real busy.” I looked down again at the sheet with the incomplete “Address:” section and there was a time that he was “supposed” to be done shopping. He still had something like eight minutes out of his fifteen left (most people came up to the counter to finish shopping between ten and fifteen minutes past when they were supposed to be done.) I said, “No, no you are fine, go get them.” He smiled and jog-danced to the sweatpants rack. While he was gone, the scribbled letters “H-O-M-E-L-E-S-S” stared at me. And I thought back to the guy in the overpriced sandwich Shoppe.

Get over yourself.

Heaven in the analogy is the same as hell: six-foot-long spoons and a bunch of people around a soup bowl. But the people figure out that the best way (maybe only way) to nourish themselves is to feed the person across the table from them. People are happier, and fed. People interact and get to know one another. The sense of self is replaced by ‘us’.

I don’t care about heaven or hell. I don’t know anything about either. Nor does anyone else. I think that analogy is Earth.

No, Just a Human

We are going to Sacramento!

On Saturday, we found out where our first project will be taking place and what it will entail. The initial reveal that our team would be one of the seven or eight teams to not get to travel anywhere for our first trip caused a collective sigh (filmed). After we learned we would be working with the local food bank throughout the holiday season and that the project has been very solid in the past in terms of having enough work to do and getting an immense overall sense of satisfaction, we began to get excited.

Obviously the idea of staying in Sacramento instead of getting to travel into the Oregon wilderness or to beautiful Catalina Island seemed a little disappointing, but in all reality this project is perfect. It’s not like Sacramento is by any means ‘home’ yet. I moved thousands of miles to this city to which I’ve never been less than three weeks ago. I think there’s a little more exploring to do. It will be nice to be able to get into the flow of the day-to-day workings of all that a project entails without having to get completely uprooted. We are almost guaranteed to only have one local project (fingers crossed?) and this is actually the shortest project out of the four. (For anyone who doesn’t know, this program is composed of one month of training followed by four projects at varying locations around the Western US. We go out for six to eight weeks at a time with our eleven-person teams and stay near the project worksite. Some teams went to LA; some went to Wyoming or Montana. Etc.) So I’m happy. Being anything else is a waste of time anyways.

My understanding of the project is that we will not only be helping in collecting and distributing food for the food bank; we will also be working in a warehouse and helping to facilitate educational projects with the site. Apparently there is a lot of work to do. I don’t see how this project could possibly fail to be fulfilling, as the amount of work and time of year to perform it are perfect.

On Saturday, we also performed our first real service project as our team went to an elementary school in Sacramento and began to build a garden from the ground up. We worked with one other team and around twenty volunteers and mostly just tilled soil and removed grass roots. We also cemented posts in for the fence that is to go around the garden. If we have time this weekend or in the upcoming weeks, we may send some, or all, of our team back to help continue working on the garden. The project sponsors were extremely gracious as they constantly thanked us as well as provided hot chocolate, coffee, and snacks throughout the day for the workers. Chipotle also donated dozens of burritos, chips, and salsa for lunch (a much appreciated surprise). The weather was overcast and cool which was great for working all day outside. Overall it was a wonderful first experience performing a real task with our team and seemed to bring us even closer.

On Wednesday, our team, along with six others, will be traveling to Camp Mendocino for four days. The camp is located four hours away in the mountains towards the coast. We haven’t learned too much about what we will be doing yet, but according to the teams who got the opportunity to go last week, it sounds like a memorable experience. What I know about the trip is that it will be much colder than Sacramento, there will be no cell phone service, we will be staying in cabins and showering in outside showers, and we will be helping to restore the park as well as using it for team-building exercises. I’m sick of using the word ‘excited’ for everything but right clicking and scrolling to ‘synonyms’ is cheating and I can’t really think of a better word to describe it. I’m excited (eager?).

If there is one thing I’ve learned about this three-journal-entry experience into journaling it’s that I don’t really enjoy the chronological, ‘this-is-what-I-did’ form of writing. I love writing. I know it’s important to update people on what I’m doing from time to time, but I’d rather just, for lack of a better term, ramble. Also, even though this trip is radically different than anything I have ever experienced, there will become a point where the day-to-day things become just that. Instead of updating the status of my physical doings, I’ll be much more satisfied reporting what I’m thinking on the particular day. (And not reporting, but rambling.) I think it’s more revealing and interesting to know what a person is thinking rather than what they did. I hope you agree.

Onwards!

I wrote the last entry beginning on Monday (10/18) and finished mostly on Tuesday. Coincidentally on Wednesday, one of the activities dealt with grouping personality types on a team—a topic that completely disagreed with what I had written over the previous two days. (Uh-oh). Rather than using one of the scientifically proven tests or avoiding the topic altogether (I’m still trying to decide which I would have preferred), the program decided to clump people based on the question, “With what type of animal do you most associate?” Are you a lion? An owl? A lamb? Cause you aren’t a human. To be fair to Big Brother, there was a moment where the activity was described in the barbarically, metaphorical way that we were putting ourselves in rooms of a house, but there were open doors in which we could take to transition between the different types. The emphasis of that metaphor seemed to be by my estimates 3 or 4 percent of the overall project (+/- 3 or 4 percent). If a guy walked up to me with frizzy, orange hair, a big, red nose, giant shoes, a white face with a ridiculously large smile painted on, and wearing a blue extravagant one-piece with large white buttons on it and said “I am not a clown” and then proceeded to make balloon animals, perform silly magic tricks, and scare kids, I wouldn’t tend to believe that little part he threw in the middle. I imagine what most people got from that project (and by imagine I am basing this on how people were talking about it afterwards), was that they are that type of animal. “It’s just my personality type so perfectly.” Nothing is more frustrating to me than this idea. Trying my best not to digress into repeating my last post, it just isn’t good for groups to function this way. People don’t grow and groups don’t function fully by having individuals reminded that they only bring certain things to the table. I am obsessed with the idea that if a person is open-minded he or she can do anything or be anyone. Ants can’t.

Side note: I understand that I or no one will ever accept or agree with everything someone else ‘makes’ them do. If that is the case you don’t have a pulse. Also, this does not mean I’m in anyway mad at the program or ‘want my money back’. I am just passionate about the idea of not generalizing people and this activity seemed to promote just that. As I’ve grown and participated in numerous environments and groups (as we all have), I cannot say I’ve ever been consistent in my chosen animal type, as I think getting the most out of a group requires its members to be flexible and take different roles as the situations present themselves. And, no, this doesn’t make me a chameleon. Stop it. (Animorph? Perhaps. No they were always one particular animal. I’m just a human.)

Double side note: I cannot stress how much that being able to disagree makes one a human. And although we all wear the same clothes and constantly get told to tuck the backs of our shirts in, we still cannot accept a sense of monotony. I may be (am) wrong about a lot of things but I embrace getting corrected or as most people put it—learning. Growing is about learning and changing and perhaps there are people who like the comfort of being devolved into a fox or an ant, but I can’t stand for it.

I discovered the late writer, David Foster Wallace, last night by accident. I watched an interview he did with Charlie Rose back in 1997 and I’m hooked. He wrote the book Infinite Jest, which is considered one of the most important modern or perhaps post-modern novels. I am ordering it online today. He is hard to describe, because he was so superiorly cognizant of everything and it seems that only his words can tell his story, but in a few words—his brain just worked differently. As I’ve only watched that interview and read a few short things by him, and since at this time yesterday I had no clue that he existed, I don’t want to act like I am an expert by any means, but I definitely recommend looking him up. Also if you find the clip of John Krasinski (Jim Halpert from “The Office”) reading one of Wallace’s writings, you should watch it. It is hilarious and most likely reminds you of a situation you’ve experienced, and it will probably make you leave wanting more.

The most relatable idea I heard David Foster Wallace talk about was when Charlie Rose got him talking about why he doesn’t write many argumentative essays. Not directly quoting, but the gist of Wallace’s response was that in his mind it would take somewhere between five and six hundred pages of writing to completely argue for any side of a debate. I agree so wholeheartedly with that statement. It frustrates me when I can’t completely get out what I want to say even though I know what it is in my head. Writing is a little easier than responding in conversation, but time and energy bounds, plus the idea that after a while, no one is going to want to read your meticulous, repetitive, preachy crap become critical elements of consideration. Debate is frustrating because it often creates more angst than compromise, but it is important. Open-minded people gain so much from debate. However, don’t try to debate a lion. Or a weasel. Or a kangaroo.

In an attempt to keep these posts short(er), and be able to get things up more often, I will end here. If it was at all confusing the state of my mood or my opinion of the program in which I am in, I am genuinely pleased to be here. I accept the disagreement I’ll have at times. (Instead of putting “, but” or “despite the fact”, I won’t continue that sentence because there isn’t a feeling of needing to overcome the conflicts. There is more an idea of embracing them and that with them things become whole. People grow and learn each other. That’s being a human.) I greatly appreciate my team, team leader, and all the other people I have met here and I am in anticipation as to what will happen next.

Instead of ending on a quote, I will write a poem that I probably don’t have the intelligence level with which to get away. However, I imagine if I were ee cummings, I would be able to write something like this and it could get published. (If you don’t know who ee cummings is/was look him up.) It is about my favorite quality—open-mindedness. Here is my first attempt at ee cummings style poetry. Bear with me.

Open Mindedness

By: Scott Curran

(

We couldn’t talk so we had to listen more to what each other couldn’t say.

“The wicked leader is he who the people despise. The good leader is he who the people revere. The great leader is he who the people say, ‘We did it ourselves.’ “ –Lao Tsu

The concept of being a leader is oftentimes misunderstood as self-defined or representatively-appointed leaders usually lack the understanding of what it actually means to lead. Being a leader in many cases isn’t about running meetings or commanding a group to collectively perform one’s own bidding. Leading is more about guiding a collection of people to perform by drawing from the strengths of the individuals and realizing that the concept of the group, rather than the person in charge, is what progresses the team.

The term “lead by example” is thrown around as much as any, but its fundamental idea is completely disrespected in many realms of today’s society. In order to gain the position as leader of a group, a person is often required to perform not the tasks which will be necessary to fully garner the most out of the individuals of the team, but rather have separate, less-useful traits that many people refer to as “qualities many great leaders possess.” These include money, charisma, toughness, fame, talent, a loud voice, intelligence, and other characteristics (some notable, some despicable). Not to say many of the better leaders do not possess certain of these traits, but the concept of leading does not require any. Anyone can lead. Society often doesn’t respect leaders who don’t possess particular traits; however, in an actual small group setting, societal norms give way to the collective agreements of the group. As long as the members of a group are willing to respond to a slight digression from their comfort zone or normally accepted ideals, the soft-spoken, “lead by example” approach is in most cases the best way to contribute to a group. Teams with a more sporadic approach to leadership tend to tolerate the stripping of hierarchal boundaries and allow for the greatest product from each member as well as a more collective understanding and acceptance of the overall goal.

“If you want to build a ship, don’t herd people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” –Unknown

Everyone has a brain. Everyone has unique experiences that have molded him or her and guided him or her to the place in life in which they currently stand. Why would it make any sense to create an environment where people’s greatest assets are stripped and all that is asked (told) of them is to “do what I say”? Society doesn’t always allow for this idealistic approach to labor; however, in most small group settings, as long as people are willing to adapt to an open-minded approach to success, there is no need to define leaders. Different leaders of the same group should arise at different times based on the task at hand and the strengths, weaknesses, and past experiences of its members. Sometimes there is no need for a leader, as a task is completed through the winding together of different approaches and people playing off each other’s talents and ideas. This approach allows for complete ownership of the mission by each member and contributes to the overall group morale going forward. Also, the finished project most likely ends up as unique, creative, efficient, and complete as possible.

This is all great.

But.

It doesn’t seem to ever work out that way.

Small groups without definitive leaders are almost always taken over and “led” by the people whom have the most outgoing personalities and are the loudest talkers. It is almost impossible for a random group (or any group) to not have one or a few of these “type-A” personalities as well as a number of people who would consider themselves introverted or perhaps are considered eternal followers. No one deserves to always lead. No one should always follow. But this is hard. Engrained societal phrases such as “born leader” are counterintuitive and lazy approaches to making the most effective group. For a group to realize their full potential, it must be collectively taught to learn to work together with contributions in many forms from all reaches of the unit. The outgoing members of the group must be patient and allow for all forms of communication from each person. The more-introverted (as giving labels such as introvert and extrovert really does nothing more than clump or generalize people who are, in their own ways, unique) have the duty to work to make their voices heard. Be it through speaking-out or writing or acting-out, the success of the group depends on its ability to include and draw from each other. Different mediums of communication as well as different approaches to holding meetings, events, and projects greatly enhance the capability of the group to get the most of out each of its members. If a meeting is always held with the same guidelines or a project is always approached in the same methodical way, not only will the group potentially grow tired of working, but also inclusiveness will suffer.

The phrase “people learn in different ways” is often ironically thrown around by teachers and hired “leaders” in the same power point format or “talking at you” approach that they almost always use. Not to digress into a reformation of teaching styles, it just seems appropriate to expand on the phrase and perhaps use it to stimulate the workings of a group environment. How about “people learn, work, grow, participate, teach, think, and approach in different ways”? Why, then, are there so many formalities? “That’s the way its always been done.” Order is necessary, but total control isn’t. Creativity and innovation are almost completely impossible when a person or group is being told not just what to do, but how to do it. As difficult as it may seem to break from the idea of leader/followers, why not do it? It is, by the way, your group (as well as all the other members’). Instead of thinking guidelines, think efficiency. Instead of thinking lead, think include. It is fairly easy to know when you are a member of a group that chooses smoothness through control and efficiency through formalities. These groups will often have a few loud people working toward their own vision using the best of their abilities. Many members will be set-aside as followers and will either be not allowed to participate in any of the process, or perhaps just be told what to do. The trait of having an outgoing personality, which is completely arbitrary in relation to creativity, inventiveness, synergy, completeness or any other desired traits of a group, wins out. Only the loud people’s voices are heard. (Side note: even just using the term “voices are heard” to refer to how someone contributes to a group shows the acceptance of vocal prowess over other forms of communication.)

In groups where there are defined leaders and followers, and voice wins out, things do get done. If this wasn’t the case, either nothing would happen or there would be a drastically different style of grouping. However, just because something produces results doesn’t mean they are even close to the desired or most efficient outcome. If history has taught anything it is that change happens and that the accepted thinking of a certain time period is triumphed by invention, discovery, and new thoughts. Transportation is probably the easiest example in that most likely people in every time period have thought something to the effect of “Wow! Travel by X is such an efficient means of travel! There is no way we will ever have anything better.” By now, many people understand the idea that breaking free from societal norms or the common misconception that today’s way of doing things is the best possible way isn’t taboo, but rather a necessary right at least at the thought experiment level.

Well what if…

Groups generally acted in the way proposed. It is hard to imagine a world in which leaders were not only efficient, but humble.

“Speak softly, but carry a big stick.” –Theodore Roosevelt

In order to lead it is necessary to completely remove oneself from the idea that one’s leadership will result in any personal gain. To be the most efficient leader one must bring to the table all he or she has to give and leave it there. Humility or anonymity is paramount to a leader because it allows one’s self to detach from the idea of self-progression in favor of the success of the group. Not to say a leader cannot gain from one’s leadership, but without 100% devotion to the group, the idea of becoming a leader at least partially fails to live up to its potential. Even being the leader of a group for a certain time period (it could be for a task, a few tasks, or an extended period of time), a person needs to realize that their leadership is not means for anything but the progression of the group.

Be humble.

Yesterday I completed the portion of our training called “Hands of Peace.” One part of the program (probably a twenty minute segment out of eight hours) was called something like “Quiet Construction.” The rest of the training was effective and I had a good time as well as learned a great deal. However the “Quiet Construction” part taught me the most and made me realize the previous concepts. I am not sure if the project was designed to learn these particular lessons or ponder the idea of leadership dynamics in a group or if it even agreed with what I thought I got from it. But that’s how it went.

“Quiet Construction” was an activity where we broke into five-person groups and were given a box with construction materials in it. Before opening the box, we were required to state what we were going to make out of whatever surprise we found inside. No shaking the box. No peeking. Just, “what will you make?” We decided to make a robot since it would probably be enough of a versatile project that we could adapt if the pieces were of any variety. After we were given time to think of our project we were told there would be no more talking until our project was finished.

We began.

As construction of the project progressed, a very interesting dynamic began to occur. No one took over the group. Even though its composition was a mixture of people spanning the type-A to introverted personality scale, the inability to speak seemed to level the playing field in terms of control. Everyone had their own ideas and everyone was listening to each other through body language and gesturing. I’ve always heard that blind people tend to have amazingly sharp senses of sound, feel, and smell. This exercise seemed like an exact parallel in that the mute group was forced to use their other forms of communication. We were given a ten-minute time limit and at the six-minute point we already had an amazingly original robot using the creativity of all members of the group. As we worked, team members played off each other’s ideas and there was never a sense of one person’s vision triumphing the group. Obviously there was no control or sample-size to make the findings of the experiment in anyways scientific or representative, but there was just a feeling in the group that the task wasn’t being guided, but rather collaborated. The societal hierarchies didn’t suppress anyone’s ideas. Everyone’s voice was heard. Or as one girl put it, “We couldn’t talk so we had to listen more to what each other couldn’t say.”

Although it wasn’t much more than a twenty-minute standard team-building exercise this activity made me completely rethink the idea of leadership. I suppose leadership should rather be considered an action than a position. In the perfect setting there is no such thing as a “natural born leader” or maybe even leaders at all. Either everyone has the potential to lead or there are no definitive leaders (however you choose to look at it). But defining someone as the leader of a group is so counter to the way small groups should operate if efficiency, effectiveness, and innovation are goals of the group. It is hard to imagine a world in which the societal norms were geared to actual involvement of all voices (no matter how faint) or that had less people who were considered “voices of the people” and more people’s actual voices. But for now, I believe that when working in small groups, the approach of not defining leaders and having people lead through example and based on strengths and weaknesses is clearly a doable task. Obviously the means of going about this is not quite clear (in that you don’t want to just shut down the vocal aspect of a group completely), but perhaps thinking of new ways to actually get everyone involved in all aspects of the process is a noble approach. Finding a way of training a group to remain open-minded and focused and really learn about how each member can contribute to the overall mission is also a good start. A group that performs as well as its most vocal members perform alone is not a team at all, but rather just a collection of people doing the bidding of an individual. A group in which the members can play off each other’s strengths and weaknesses and continually tear down boundaries and evolve throughout every aspect of the process can be considered a team and will, in the end, build a better product. If I had any sort of respect for sports movies, I would use this space to draw some sort of parallel to the underlying theme of all of them, which is: a group of misfits can put together a team in a few days that can beat the best teams in the world. But I’d rather just leave talking about how off base that idea is for another day. Leadership should be earned, not won, and it should be a redistributed, evolving aspect of any small group environment that desires the most creative, finished product imaginable.

“Example is leadership.” –Albert Schweitzer

AmeriCorps NCCC Sacramento: So it begins...

So I guess I’ll give in and do this journal thing. Or blog thing or whatever century this is. As I sit here on a Saturday morning on my top bunk a little after 9am (knowing I got four hours of sleep more than the previous day and that I don’t feel like I want anymore), I realize my life has changed. My bed is uncomfortable, I am living in a dorm-sized room with two guys that I get along with very well but would most likely never have met otherwise, I have to get up at 5 AM four days a week to workout (the other day I get to sleep till 6:30), I go to bed between 9 and 10 (not AM anymore), I eat healthy foods, I have no car or practical way to get around much, there is one bar (and it’s a dive) within walking distance, and the three hundred of us at this place all have to wear the same uniform for nearly twelve hours-a-day, five days-a-week. And I love every second of it.

It has been one week since I arrived here and I’ve laughed, sang, clapped (probably way more than necessary), stomped, walked, walked, walked, ran, done pushups, situps, legups, listened, talked, been bored, been engaged, been happy, been happier, judged people, gotten over that, made great friends from every part of the country, heard eye-opening stories, watched people come out of their shells, thought about things, but not once have I cried. The closest I came to crying was when I was at open mic night and a girl read a poem about her experience with this program last year and pretty much just about how life changes in general. I have had more goosebumps this week than a 5^th grader from the 1990s had on his bookshelf (noted, write corny rap using metaphors like this for next open mic night).

Oddly enough I’m not sad that I left. I miss my friends and family. I miss my dog. But these things are more of a formality than anything. I realize this is all part of any experience of moving on and I honestly don’t really sit around missing things (perhaps because I’ve had barely anytime to sit around). As an Economics major, I know that life is pretty much solely based on opportunity costs and tradeoffs. You can’t do everything, be with everyone, hold on to everything and honestly if you tried it would result in you having the same four or five repetitive experiences for years and years until you realize you love your friends and family but know that you missed out on so much by not being able to break-away (or maybe you wouldn’t even notice). I love it when people who have really mastered something (be it medicine or poker or drug trafficking or whatever) use the phrase “I’ve forgotten more than you will ever know about X.” I think you have to live that way. Maybe not master one thing, but realize you can’t hold onto everything and know that leaving some things behind is the only way to grow and continue to accomplish meaningful things in life.

One of Mitch Hedberg’s jokes goes something like “I was at a grocery store and I was buying eight apples and the clerk asked me if I wanted him to put them in a bag. Nah man I can juggle, but only eight. If I come in here and buy nine apples bag ‘em up.” It’s a little abstract to draw anything from this other than the “here’s your sign” idiocy of some people, but as we grow and get more and more apples we have to realize that it’s better to be less of a juggler and more of a bagger. Not bagger as in having baggage (since this term has such a derogatory nature), but more of neatly packed away memories, stories, perhaps friends and family that you can revisit later but know that we just can’t juggle it all.

I was going to write this as an overview of the week or whatever, but that’s too formal and not spontaneous enough. It really matters very little what actually happens or happened, but what you get out of it. I watched yesterday as we were playing a slightly embarrassing game where we were running around trying to stay in between two people while 20 other people were trying to do the same (I don’t feel like explaining anymore cause I really don’t care about teaching camp games to whoever comes across this blog). There was one kid who just stood in place. Didn’t move. Probably didn’t even pick two people who he was supposed to be chasing or staying away from. When the round was over he sat down. This attitude continued over the rest of the time I watched him in our group and I imagine it’s safe to assume it was pretty par for the course for him. Not trying to get too deep into why he was here or what went different (not wrong) to make him be so absent compared to the rest of the group, I really just took from this that we all did the same activity (it didn’t make a huge difference if it was bungee jumping or Scattegories) and attitude dictated 98% of what we got out of it. Be crazy. Remove yourself from your comfort zone. Rather than looking at what people are doing wrong, think about what you can do right. Learn. Laugh. Meet people. Make mistakes. Embarrass yourself. Smile.

Ok back to what we did. There were a few practical things I learned this week that I feel I should share. First of all, everyone should take a first aid/CPR class. It is just practical. You learn a lot of stuff you knew already, but there is so much you don’t know. I’d say with pretty much 100pct confidence that that 6 hour class was more important to me than many of the semester long classes I took in college (um, add it to the college core classes anyone?). I don’t think I’ll ever save a life with the knowledge I have from Asian History 101 and I know that that is a horribly uneducated correlation to make (and honestly made me cringe when I began to type it) but sometimes saying unfair things is the best way to get a point across. Point being: go learn first aid/CPR. I don’t care who you are or what you think you know. You probably won’t ever directly save a life, but you add to the community’s overall ability to do so. And in poker you’d say that’s +EV.

Other practical things that I learned include the fact that you should wash your sponges or whatever you clean your non-dishwasher dishes with frequently. At least everyday. Easiest way to do so it just throw them in the dishwasher with every load. Second easiest way is two minutes in the microwave. Do it. Sponges get gross.

Also, obesity and eating unhealthily is horrible. I knew that, you knew that. But it is. It isn’t talked about enough. We harp too much on curing cancer and having heart transplants or whatever. People die of cancer and heart disease. People do not die of obesity. It is the indirect effect of probably more than we know though. We’d rather sit on the couch and watch “Biggest Loser” than realize how ironic we are being. It’s taboo to talk about obesity without dancing around the issue and trying to not offend people. Everyone does things in their lives they shouldn’t. Be it drink too much, do drugs, smoke, eat unhealthily, judge people, procrastinate, cheat, lie, whatever, whatever. Right now the biggest (after reasonable thought, pun intended) problem right now in our country is obesity. People are too fat. People eat the wrong stuff. Companies market the wrong stuff. Government doesn’t regulate or promote things correctly. Whoever you want to blame, most likely you can’t do much other than look in a mirror and really think what can I do. So do it. Look up some information on sugars and fats and proteins. Stop relying on whatever lazy myths you would like to believe. Stop relying on the “I know it all already attitude.” You don’t know it all, about anything. Remember, there are people that have forgotten more than you know or will know. Just do some research. Start working out and eating right. Be true to yourself. Again, it’s not that it’s not sad that people get cancer and heart disease, it is. But if a bomb goes off and destroys an entire building, you aren’t going to think about going after the bomb. It’s too late. Start early. Prevent the bombs. (eh, maybe a slightly better metaphor than the last one).

Lastly, I’ll end this long, winding, preachy “journal” entry with most important thing of the week. Open mic night. I already mentioned it a little, but open mic night was amazing. I went on a whim thinking it’d be a couple people doing guitar covers and a few more reading crappy poetry that their mom’s were so proud of that they allowed them to put on the refrigerator. I was wrong. People are talented. People read amazing poetry. The singing and guitar playing was a mixture of covers and originals, but was mostly very well done. There were a couple of good original raps. And there was even a guy who captured an audience for a comedic performance probably better than I’ve ever seen before. And I love comedy. He didn’t have the greatest jokes (they were good). He did, however, have the greatest stage presence and just knew how to use the crowd. Open mic night was an enormous success not only in that it was entertaining, but also it triumphed my (and hopefully other’s) preconceived notions about people. People in general are good-natured and talented. People love to laugh and smile and feel.

AmeriCorps NCCC has been so much so quickly for me. A lot of it has been the fact that this is just a drastically different experience, but the program itself has also been responsible for much of the learning and growing. I am so far grateful to have been given this opportunity and am excited to learn about our first six-week trip. My team is a great mixture of people and I know I will learn so much from them. I’ll definitely get more into the nuts and bolts of what we were doing from now on, but for now, I kind of just wanted to get a clear vision of where my head was at and what is going on. I miss everyone back home, but not too much. I’ll end on a quote. Let’s see…As the Joker would say “It’s all part of the plan.” Or maybe not, that sounds too set in stone. How about Rihanna’s “Live your life.” No, too cliché and preachy (and probably not Rihanna’s anyways). Hmm. Ah, how about Mr. Arnold Baker from Kecoughtan High School “Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.” Perfect.